Tag Archive | MSU

MSU Confessions: Internet Hate Machine or Community Forum?

The MSU Confessions Facebook page. Photo by Brent Zundel

The MSU Confessions Facebook page. Photo by Brent Zundel

By Pat Hessman and Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
April 18, 2013

“Gotta love being a little drunk in class. So much more willing to answer questions.”

“I don’t get it, all these girls are like I just want a cowboy, but when I ride the electronic horse in the Walmart for an hour none of them come and hit on me.”

“i wish i knew anyone else my age here at MSU who has cancer too, it’s often really lonely having no one to relate to when you’re hurting.”

That was a sampling of posts on the Facebook page Montana State University Confessions (MSUC.) Read More…

Montana GOP Launches Actual ‘War on Women’

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 7, 2013

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

An extremist faction within the Montana GOP has formally declared an actual “War on Women.” Led by Rep. Krayton Kerns, R-Laurel, the paramilitary group launched a failed coup d’état against MSU President Waded Cruzado this Monday, March 4, underscoring the tension that has torn Montana families apart and pitted brother against sister.

Cruzado successfully staved off the coup from her perch in Montana Hall, where she runs the university with a panel of buttons and levers. The all-male group of legislators was repelled by Cruzado’s secret all-woman police force, headed by outgoing ASMSU President Kiah Abbey.

According to reports, the secret police — comprised of VOICE Center volunteers and performers from last week’s Vagina Monologues — repelled the attackers by launching copies of “The Feminine Mystique” and flaming bras from a trebuchet mounted on Montana Hall’s central turret. Read More…

‘Engineering Plastics’ Social Group Overthrown

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
January 24, 2013

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

The Engineering Plastics plot their next lunch room brawl at the Union Market. Illustration by Pat Hessman, MSU Exponent

The Engineering Plastics plot their next lunch room brawl at the Union Market. From left to right, Drs. Otto Stein, Joel Cahoon, Dan VanLuchene, and Dan Miller. Illustration by Pat Hessman, MSU Exponent

In a shot heard ‘round Cobleigh Hall, a mostly peaceful coup d’état has toppled a tight-knit social group of three civil engineering professors known colloquially as the “Engineering Plastics.”

Dr. Dan VanLuchene, a structures professor, orchestrated the apparently successful coup, according to sources within the College of Engineering Dean’s Office.

The three toppled professors were Drs. Joel Cahoon, Otto Stein and Dan Miller. According to sources, the three professors had overseen a reign of terror since Miller was hired in fall 2008 and regularly ate lunch together in the Union Market. Read More…

MSU Grad Student Dives into Video Game Economics

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
November 29, 2012

Kristian Miller, a master’s student at MSU, has what many young men might consider their dream job.

He does not technically have a boss. He has flexible hours at an office that offers bike parking, a fully stocked fridge and a weekly company lunch. And he and his colleagues work in small groups called “cabals,” surrounded by other employees who are paid to play video games.

Kristian Miller, a 2011 graduate of MSU and current master’s student, stands next to the eponymous valve in the main lobby of Valve Software. Photo By Brent Zundel

Kristian Miller, a 2011 graduate of MSU and current master’s student, stands next to the eponymous valve in the main lobby of Valve Software. Photo By Brent Zundel

Miller works as an economist for Valve Corporation, a video game development and digital distribution company based in Bellevue, Wash., just across Lake Washington from Seattle. Read More…

Student Fee Increase to Fund Football Team Massages

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
November 15, 2013

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

Last month, MSU’s student senate approved a new activity fee that will fund massages for the entire football team — even the kicker. The Board of Regents approved the increase last week, and the football team made a hiring decision early this week. The fee goes into effect next semester, adding an additional $18.60 each year for every student. Read More…

Financial Aid Office Helps First Student in 39 Years

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
June 8, 2012

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

In a stunning turn of events last month, the MSU Office of Financial Aid successfully helped a student for the first time in 39 years. According to a Financial Aid informant who spoke on condition of anonymity, the assisted incoming freshman, Brian Naeve, is likely ruined for the rest of his college career.

“He’ll expect perfectly reasonable things from Financial Aid now. For instance, he’ll likely assume our office will correctly account for all of his scholarships, treat him politely during the majority of our interactions and just generally attempt not to make his life a living hell,” the insider explained.

“Unfortunately, none of that will ever happen again.” Read More…

‘Casual Friday’ at Exponent Office Goes Awry

A recent casual Friday at the MSU Exponent spiraled out of control, with staff members ending up completely naked. Photo by Matt Williams, editing by Eric Dietrich

A recent casual Friday at the MSU Exponent spiraled out of control, with staff members ending up completely naked. Photo by Matt Williams, editing by Eric Dietrich

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
April 26, 2012

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

Last Friday, the Exponent nearly gave Dean of Students Matt Shares a heart attack. “I walked up to the office just to say hi and couldn’t believe my eyes when the entire staff was naked. Just standing around the office in their birthday suits like there was nothing weird about it!” he exclaimed.

“The paper instituted a Casual Friday program about two months ago,” explained a red-faced and recently clothed Eric Dietrich, the Exponent’s Editor-in-chief. In exchange for pinky promises that they’d never miss another deadline “ever again,” the staff was allowed to exchange their normally professional outfits of suit jackets and skirts for T-shirts and jeans. Read More…

Latin American and Latino Studies: Modern Languages Proposes One-of-a-kind Interdisciplinary Program

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
April 26, 2012

A globally focused interdisciplinary major

A new proposal from the Department of Modern Languages & Literatures could help MSU students understand the cultural context behind phrases like “Qué tal,” in addition to the literal meaning of the words. Modern Languages is proposing to expand its current Latin American and Latino Studies (LALS) minor into a full major.

With roughly 100 students who have declared or intend to declare a LALS minor, this new option responds to the needs of students and the MSU campus as a whole. Read More…

SUB Pub to Move Forward, but Serving Only Keystone

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012

Note: This satirical news article originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.

None of this will be served at the new SUB Pub. Only Keystone. Photo by Brent Zundel

None of this will be served at the new SUB Pub. Only Keystone. Photo by Brent Zundel

In a recent decision, SUB Director Dutch Hamburger has begun moving forward with plans to install a pub in the basement of the Student Union Building. The only caveat, he said, is that the new campus gathering place will serve exclusively Keystone beer.

“The Coors Brewing Company made us an offer we couldn’t refuse,” Hamburger said. A representative from the Bozeman Brewing Company responded to the Exponent’s request for comment. “We could sell cheap beer too, if we made it out of cat piss instead of barley,” he said, upset at not winning the contract to supply booze to MSU’s 13,500 students.

Dean of Students Matt Shares was initially hesitant about the idea. “At first, I thought that a SUB Pub would be a great way to support local breweries,” he said, listing off Bozone, 406 and Madison River. “But, more importantly, I think teaching college kids to drink responsibly is critical.”

“What could go wrong?” —Dean of Students Matt Shares Read More…

MSU Dean Positions Open to Anyone Named ‘Dean’

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012

Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.

MSU Provost Marta Potsky has announced that MSU’s four vacant dean positions are being opened to “literally anyone with the last name Dean.” She continued, “We’re willing to consider applicants with a first name of Dean, too. Seriously, we’re that desperate.”

After notable dental floss tycoon Jacob Punches of Denver made a $25 million donation to MSU’s College of Business last fall, the College was finally able to fill its dean position, which has been vacant since last year.

The College of Business successfully hired the aptly named Dean Dean, an interim dean at Idaho State University. Dean has so far maintained an aloof relationship with students, asking to be referred to by his full title and name: “Dean Dean Dean.”

Paulina Klutz, the former Dean of the College of Letters & Science, announced her retirement, which will take effect this summer. In a statement to the Exponent, she explained that she gave up on the letters half of the college when she discovered the English and History Departments “blowing their pen and paper budgets by trying to boost faculty pay to minimum wage.”

The three other open positions include the Deans of Arts & Architecture; Education, Health and Human Development; and the Library.