SUB Pub to Move Forward, but Serving Only Keystone
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news article originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
None of this will be served at the new SUB Pub. Only Keystone. Photo by Brent Zundel
In a recent decision, SUB Director Dutch Hamburger has begun moving forward with plans to install a pub in the basement of the Student Union Building. The only caveat, he said, is that the new campus gathering place will serve exclusively Keystone beer.
“The Coors Brewing Company made us an offer we couldn’t refuse,” Hamburger said. A representative from the Bozeman Brewing Company responded to the Exponent’s request for comment. “We could sell cheap beer too, if we made it out of cat piss instead of barley,” he said, upset at not winning the contract to supply booze to MSU’s 13,500 students.
Dean of Students Matt Shares was initially hesitant about the idea. “At first, I thought that a SUB Pub would be a great way to support local breweries,” he said, listing off Bozone, 406 and Madison River. “But, more importantly, I think teaching college kids to drink responsibly is critical.”
“What could go wrong?” —Dean of Students Matt Shares Read More…
MSU Dean Positions Open to Anyone Named ‘Dean’
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
MSU Provost Marta Potsky has announced that MSU’s four vacant dean positions are being opened to “literally anyone with the last name Dean.” She continued, “We’re willing to consider applicants with a first name of Dean, too. Seriously, we’re that desperate.”
After notable dental floss tycoon Jacob Punches of Denver made a $25 million donation to MSU’s College of Business last fall, the College was finally able to fill its dean position, which has been vacant since last year.
The College of Business successfully hired the aptly named Dean Dean, an interim dean at Idaho State University. Dean has so far maintained an aloof relationship with students, asking to be referred to by his full title and name: “Dean Dean Dean.”
Paulina Klutz, the former Dean of the College of Letters & Science, announced her retirement, which will take effect this summer. In a statement to the Exponent, she explained that she gave up on the letters half of the college when she discovered the English and History Departments “blowing their pen and paper budgets by trying to boost faculty pay to minimum wage.”
The three other open positions include the Deans of Arts & Architecture; Education, Health and Human Development; and the Library.
Lame-Ass of the Week: Frederick von Spark
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical student profile originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
Name: Frederick von Spark
Hometown: Miles City, Mont.
Major: Mechanical engineering with a minor in mathematics
Occupation: Engineering student
Hobbies: Vector calculus, binary code, stamp collecting, Minecraft
Why did you move to Montana? I was born here.
What is a day you’ll never forget? I won a 17-hour game of Risk about a month ago.
If you could do anything for a day, what would it be? I would invent a new drug that would make it so I don’t have to sleep and could then work for 24 hours straight.
***
Frederick von Spark is a mechanical engineering major with a minor in mathematics who is currently on track to graduate this spring, after only four years. A quiet, awkward 22-year-old male, Spark explained that he managed to graduate in only four years by taking an average of 23 credits a semester and shunning “superfluous” campus involvement like “socializing, talking to girls and getting eight hours of sleep a night.” Read More…
Cruzado to Boost Spirit with ‘The Bobcat Games’
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
In response to the lackadaisical approach taken by many student government senators, MSU President Waded Cruzado has proclaimed that future senators must partake in an annual battle to the death, termed The Bobcat Games.
For years, MSU students have complained about their lack of representation in the senate, culminating with the recent voter turnout of a meager 7.3 percent. “I’m sick of those senators caring only about their résumés,” said junior Catnip Everclear. “I want some damn representation!”
According to Cruzado’s decree, two Tributes — one male and one female — will be randomly selected from each of MSU’s nine colleges in a process known as the Reaping. After being chosen, the 18 tributes will be transported to the newly renovated Bobcat Stadium, where they will fight to the death until only one senator survives, as thousands of fans watch and scream rabidly. Read More…
Campus Entertainment to Bring Nickelback to MSU
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
In a bold move last Tuesday, MSU’s Campus Entertainment announced plans to bring Canadian rock band Nickelback to the Brick Breeden Fieldhouse. “Last fall’s 3OH!3 and Plain White T’s concert was such an unequivocal success that we’ve decided to go even bigger this spring,” explained Campus Entertainment Director Johann Rodgers.
“Everybody loves Nickelback.” —Campus Entertainment Director Johann Rodgers
“We’ll get it right this time,” Rodgers promised.
“The 3OH!3 concert cost only $90,000 in student fees and had over 2,000 attendees,” said student senator Eliot Curvey. He explained that country music doesn’t sell well in Montana, but “skinny white-boy rap and rock music” does. Read More…
STEM Majors Need Increased Flexibility for International Success
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 22, 2012
It’s a rare engineering or science student who has never suddenly wondered, perhaps as he or she frantically crams for an exam in the suffocating late-night hours, “When will I ever use this?”
Many students slogging through the death march of calculus and basic science courses fail to see how their degrees will actually help others, and some switch majors or drop out altogether.
The week before spring break, three other students and I gave a presentation to the Engineering Advisory Council on international opportunities available to engineering students at MSU. While waiting to speak, employees from companies as diverse as Boeing and American Express discussed how important international experiences and cultural sensitivities are. Read More…
Madison River Deserves Thoughtful Management
Floaters stand on the banks of the Madison on a summer day. Photo by Brent Zundel
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 8, 2012
A few years ago, Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks (FWP) prioritized each river in Montana and named the Madison River as the single most important.
International fly fishermen and local guides alike revere the Madison for its unparalleled blue-ribbon fishing, while everyone from local families to MSU students spends time floating the river on lazy summer days. In spite of all this use, the river also boasts an exceptionally intact ecosystem.
Currently, a number of concerns about the river have surfaced, including littering, congestion both on the river and at the limited number of access points, trespassing on private property and conflict between users.
Rumors that floating could be completely eliminated have been circulated by various groups, including the Moose 95.1 radio station’s website. While concerns about the management of the river are legitimate, fears that floating will be banned in its entirety are overblown. Read More…
New Microbrewery Opens in Belgrade
Pint glasses and growlers wait to be filled above the taps at Outlaw Brewing in Belgrade, Mont. Photo by Brent Zundel
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 1, 2012
Take the Belgrade Interstate exit and the last right before the train tracks to sample a pint of the newest beer in Montana. On Jan. 16, Outlaw Brewing’s taps started flowing.
Located inside the Bar 3 Bar-B-Q restaurant, the brewpub is in an industrial section of town with blaring train whistles adding to the beer drinking experience. New tables and a barbecue joint atmosphere contrast the inside of the building sharply with the exterior. Read More…
MSU to Launch ‘Conservative Arts’ Program
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 1, 2012
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
In response to the wide diversity of potentially conflicting opinions presented in liberal arts institutes across the country, MSU announced plans this Monday to launch a “Conservative Arts” program. MSU professor and newly appointed program director Johan Oldmeier promised this new initiative will “make America great again,” presumably referring to the Golden Age of conservatism in a distant, romanticized past, when the Cuyahoga River caught fire due to a lack of pollutant regulation and people still died of things like polio.
“While liberal arts programs encourage introspective self-searching — like smoking weed,” Oldmeier explained, “this conservative arts program will focus on strict discipline and controlled learning environments, using the judicious application of medication and military force to obtain both.”
“Yes, that means Ritalin and corporal punishment,” he clarified. Read More…
Contrasting Bozeman’s Faith Communities
Journey, Bozeman’s “mega-church,” seen after service in February 2012. Photo by Brent Zundel
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 1, 2012
Few organizations have as profound of an impact on a community as its churches, and Bozeman’s wide variety of churches approach fulfilling their congregations’ needs in very different ways. For the past three weeks, I spent each Sunday at a different church, observing the place of each in the community. I approached each as an average newcomer would, simply attending and observing. Read More…
Author
Mountain Solitaire Author Brent Zundel
MOUNTAIN SOLITAIRE 