Excrement News Briefs
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 28, 2013
Note: These satirical news briefs originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
Financial Aid employee friendly, too friendly
According to witnesses in the student union building, last week a Financial Aid employee was acting “friendly … too friendly.” One jaded sophomore spoke to the Exponent on condition of anonymity, citing fears that Financial Aid would insert “even more” errors into her fall 2013 statement if they learned her identity.
According to the source, she still has no idea what the hell was behind the crocodile smile of the employee who helped her. “It just gave me the heebie-jeebies,” she said.
She left crestfallen after learning that the employee could do nothing to help her unless she returned five separate forms, written in iambic pentameter and relayed to the office in both song and written form.
“And then that son of a bitch smiled at me and asked if there was anything else he could help me with,” the unidentified sophomore said. “Yeah, finally he told me to ‘have a good day,’ so I told him to fuck off.”
Hope in engineering students’ eyes just too much for professor to bear
After spending the week meeting individually with each member of his graduating civil engineering senior design class, Prof. Sven Kjell just couldn’t take it anymore. “The glimmer of hope in their eyes was just too much for me to bear,” Kjell said. Read More…
The Excrement Brewponent
Author Brent Zundel
By Brent Zundel and Matt Kennedy
For the MSU Exponent
March 28, 2013
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
The Coffee-ponent
Turns out, coffee is way better than beer. I was trying to tell Brent this last week, but he was being a complete ass clown and wouldn’t hear me out. I was being super nice, really, and then he started shouting and threw beer in my face. So much for friends. Anyway, I’m sure the readers will see it my way, so I’m going to shell out the facts.
Unlike beer, coffee has rich cultural value. From the proud farmer to the discerning roaster, there is an inexorable love of the drink that runs through every moment of each bean’s existence. Beer’s only culture is moldy yeast. Brent tried to feed me this crap-beer he brewed in his closet — this was before he threw it all over my nicest shirt — which was probably brewed with his toenail clippings and spit. I’m surprised a hillbilly who drinks that swill can even write. Read More…
Tavern Association Sours Montana Microbreweries’ Mash
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 21, 2013
If one special interest group has its way, Montana taps might soon run dry from Wibaux to Whitefish. The Montana Tavern Association (MTA) has spent the current legislative session sponsoring bills that would devastate the state’s burgeoning microbrewery scene.
Illustration by Jen Rogers, MSU Exponent
With our state ranking second in the nation for microbreweries per capita, Montanans love our beer. An October 2012 study showed that craft breweries contribute $50 million to the economy, $1.5 million to the state’s coffers and about 500 jobs to the state.
Despite this, at the start of the 2013 legislative session, Rep. Jeff Welborn, R-Dillon, introduced a bill that would have restricted microbreweries to selling only 10 percent of their beer on site. The rest would have to be sold at bars or retail outlets, a requirement that could have shuttered 31 of Montana’s 38 microbreweries. Vigorous and immediate uproar killed the bill.
The text of another MTA-backed bill, sponsored by Rep. Roger Hagan, R-Great Falls, was just released Tuesday, March 19. This bill is no better: It would allow breweries to sell only 40 percent of their beer in sample rooms. Read More…
Montana GOP Launches Actual ‘War on Women’
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 7, 2013
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
An extremist faction within the Montana GOP has formally declared an actual “War on Women.” Led by Rep. Krayton Kerns, R-Laurel, the paramilitary group launched a failed coup d’état against MSU President Waded Cruzado this Monday, March 4, underscoring the tension that has torn Montana families apart and pitted brother against sister.
Cruzado successfully staved off the coup from her perch in Montana Hall, where she runs the university with a panel of buttons and levers. The all-male group of legislators was repelled by Cruzado’s secret all-woman police force, headed by outgoing ASMSU President Kiah Abbey.
According to reports, the secret police — comprised of VOICE Center volunteers and performers from last week’s Vagina Monologues — repelled the attackers by launching copies of “The Feminine Mystique” and flaming bras from a trebuchet mounted on Montana Hall’s central turret. Read More…
Montana Legislature Lacks Land Ethic
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 7, 2013
This week marks the halfway point of the 63rd Legislature. As that milestone blows past us like a half-bent mile marker on a poorly patrolled Montana highway, examining the progress so far proves very telling.
If one thing has become painfully obvious, it is the startling lack of a land ethic informing our legislators. Both this and the 2011 session have contained slews of bills designed to weaken access to public lands, damage the integrity of our wildlife populations, and privatize our rights to a clean environment in favor of industry profit.
On Monday, Feb. 18, sportsmen crowded the Montana Capitol in support of House Bill 235, which would have allowed corner crossings on public land. Photo by Eliza Wiley/Independent Record.
And let’s be clear: Only one party consistently opposes reasonable solutions to many of these problems. The most recent example of the GOP’s unyielding opposition is the failure of House Bill 235, known as the “corner crossing bill.” Read More…
New Brewery Combines Craft Beer and Craft Pizza
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 3, 2013
Bridger Brewing became the newest addition to Bozeman’s collection of microbreweries this Saturday, March 2. Located in the Town & Country complex just a block away from the MSU campus, the brewery is serving up “craft beer with craft pizza,” according to General Manager and Owner David Breck.
The sign above Bridger Brewing’s bar. Photo by Brent Zundel
Last night, Bridger Brewing held a family and friends night as a trial run, but today is their first day open to the public. Business was brisk, but not crowded as a group of friends and I were seated in a cozy corner table right away.
The brewpub’s ambiance is a significant shift away from any of the others in town. Large floor-to-ceiling windows shower the entrance in light, but the back of the building opens up into a cavernous seating area with low mood lighting and sleek black tables. Read More…
Author
Mountain Solitaire Author Brent Zundel
MOUNTAIN SOLITAIRE 