The Excrement Brewponent
By Brent Zundel and Matt Kennedy
For the MSU Exponent
March 28, 2013
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
Turns out, coffee is way better than beer. I was trying to tell Brent this last week, but he was being a complete ass clown and wouldn’t hear me out. I was being super nice, really, and then he started shouting and threw beer in my face. So much for friends. Anyway, I’m sure the readers will see it my way, so I’m going to shell out the facts.
Unlike beer, coffee has rich cultural value. From the proud farmer to the discerning roaster, there is an inexorable love of the drink that runs through every moment of each bean’s existence. Beer’s only culture is moldy yeast. Brent tried to feed me this crap-beer he brewed in his closet — this was before he threw it all over my nicest shirt — which was probably brewed with his toenail clippings and spit. I’m surprised a hillbilly who drinks that swill can even write.
Coffee is the second-most traded product in the world, after oil. OK, so my stupid fact-checking editor said the World Trade Organization doesn’t agree. Fine, I just heard it somewhere, but it’s probably true if you keep repeating it to yourself like I have so that you can sleep at night knowing that coffee is super important and way cooler than beer forever and ever.
Lastly, college NEEDS coffee. Think about it: when was the last time you didn’t wait in line at the SRO coffee shop? Without coffee, students wouldn’t make it to class on time, grad students couldn’t stay up until four in the morning to write the lecture for those students, and interns would have nothing to fetch for their superiors. This campus is nothing without coffee.
I think I’ve about made my point.
In closing, I would like to add that Brent is a dung-eating mooncalf. If they even let him print some dribble about how beer is great, I would like to recommend you use the next five minutes to do any number of things better than reading his article: such as taking tequila shots using your eyes, eating raw goat testicles or swishing sriracha sauce like mouthwash.
A new report confirms everything I already knew: Beer is way the hell better than coffee. My ass hat of a co-author, Matt, thinks coffee is important, but I know I’m right, so I tried to give him a sip of my newest homebrew. He was waving his jittery, caffeine-addled arms like an idiot and ended up spilling my beer all over himself. That’s my bad somehow? Sorry, brah.
Coffee is important, trading, economics, blah, blah. At least my addiction isn’t produced on the backs of poor Guatemalan members of the proletariat. Turns out, beer is the third most consumed beverage in the world, after tea and water. But beer is mostly water, so it earns spots one and three — and spot two because, let’s be real, fuck tea.
Beer is the real ‘Murican drink. Salt-of-the-earth Montana farmers grow barley, then add it with hops and yeast to water. Americans don’t grow coffee, and I’m pretty sure coffee comes from the same foreigners who grow cocaine. In fact, I think my doucherocket colleague Matt grows cocaine.
The average MSU student would never graduate without beer. No college kid breakfast is nutritionally complete without an oatmeal stout. Clinical trials conducted by MSU Health Promotions further show that 89 percent of the university’s white student body legitimately cannot dance without the assistance of this wonder drug.
Coffee is about stress and snobbery because people only drink it when they’re doing terrible things. Like when architecture students spend the entire night cutting up cardboard and gluing it back together. Beer is about fun and freedom. Where would beer pong be without beer? Nobody would play douchebag espresso pong, and what the hell else are you going to do on a Friday night in Bozeman? Also, when was the last time Captain BroSki skinned up Bridger with a CamelBack full of coffee? Answer: Never, there’s no room with all the beer.
Before you read the column that that pencil thin moustache-wearing, Moleskine notebook-toting, hand-thrown ceramic coffee mug-using suckafish hand-scribbled, I’mma tell you straight up: His reasoning is merde. Tell me that chain-smoking dweezil-headed moon unit didn’t knock back a couple hard O’Doul’s while writing.
Everyone knows the only coffee you want is a coffee beer. Coffee is what gets you through college, but beer is what makes your education worthwhile.