Tag Archive | Excrement

Excrement News Briefs

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 28, 2013

Note: These satirical news briefs originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.

Financial Aid employee friendly, too friendly

According to witnesses in the student union building, last week a Financial Aid employee was acting “friendly … too friendly.” One jaded sophomore spoke to the Exponent on condition of anonymity, citing fears that Financial Aid would insert “even more” errors into her fall 2013 statement if they learned her identity.

According to the source, she still has no idea what the hell was behind the crocodile smile of the employee who helped her. “It just gave me the heebie-jeebies,” she said.

She left crestfallen after learning that the employee could do nothing to help her unless she returned five separate forms, written in iambic pentameter and relayed to the office in both song and written form.

“And then that son of a bitch smiled at me and asked if there was anything else he could help me with,” the unidentified sophomore said. “Yeah, finally he told me to ‘have a good day,’ so I told him to fuck off.”

Hope in engineering students’ eyes just too much for professor to bear

After spending the week meeting individually with each member of his graduating civil engineering senior design class, Prof. Sven Kjell just couldn’t take it anymore. “The glimmer of hope in their eyes was just too much for me to bear,” Kjell said. Read More…

The Excrement Brewponent

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Author Brent Zundel

By Brent Zundel and Matt Kennedy
For the MSU Exponent
March 28, 2013

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.

The Coffee-ponent

Turns out, coffee is way better than beer. I was trying to tell Brent this last week, but he was being a complete ass clown and wouldn’t hear me out. I was being super nice, really, and then he started shouting and threw beer in my face. So much for friends. Anyway, I’m sure the readers will see it my way, so I’m going to shell out the facts.

Unlike beer, coffee has rich cultural value. From the proud farmer to the discerning roaster, there is an inexorable love of the drink that runs through every moment of each bean’s existence. Beer’s only culture is moldy yeast. Brent tried to feed me this crap-beer he brewed in his closet — this was before he threw it all over my nicest shirt — which was probably brewed with his toenail clippings and spit. I’m surprised a hillbilly who drinks that swill can even write. Read More…

MSU Dean Positions Open to Anyone Named ‘Dean’

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012

Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.

MSU Provost Marta Potsky has announced that MSU’s four vacant dean positions are being opened to “literally anyone with the last name Dean.” She continued, “We’re willing to consider applicants with a first name of Dean, too. Seriously, we’re that desperate.”

After notable dental floss tycoon Jacob Punches of Denver made a $25 million donation to MSU’s College of Business last fall, the College was finally able to fill its dean position, which has been vacant since last year.

The College of Business successfully hired the aptly named Dean Dean, an interim dean at Idaho State University. Dean has so far maintained an aloof relationship with students, asking to be referred to by his full title and name: “Dean Dean Dean.”

Paulina Klutz, the former Dean of the College of Letters & Science, announced her retirement, which will take effect this summer. In a statement to the Exponent, she explained that she gave up on the letters half of the college when she discovered the English and History Departments “blowing their pen and paper budgets by trying to boost faculty pay to minimum wage.”

The three other open positions include the Deans of Arts & Architecture; Education, Health and Human Development; and the Library.

Lame-Ass of the Week: Frederick von Spark

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012

Note: This satirical student profile originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.

Name: Frederick von Spark

Hometown: Miles City, Mont.

Major: Mechanical engineering with a minor in mathematics

Occupation: Engineering student

Hobbies: Vector calculus, binary code, stamp collecting, Minecraft

Why did you move to Montana? I was born here.

What is a day you’ll never forget? I won a 17-hour game of Risk about a month ago.

If you could do anything for a day, what would it be? I would invent a new drug that would make it so I don’t have to sleep and could then work for 24 hours straight.

***

Frederick von Spark is a mechanical engineering major with a minor in mathematics who is currently on track to graduate this spring, after only four years. A quiet, awkward 22-year-old male, Spark explained that he managed to graduate in only four years by taking an average of 23 credits a semester and shunning “superfluous” campus involvement like “socializing, talking to girls and getting eight hours of sleep a night.” Read More…

Campus Crusade Partners with MSU Polo Team, Plans to Stage Actual Crusade

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 31, 2011

Note: This satirical news article originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.

In a move that has many members of the Bozeman community scratching their heads, MSU’s chapter of Campus Crusade for Christ has partnered with the polo team and announced plans to stage an actual crusade.

The polo team’s motivations were unclear, but sources point to a particularly painful loss at the hands of the Grizzlies last week. Many others believe the team is simply trying to raise student awareness of the fact that MSU has a polo club.

This sentiment was confirmed when the Exponent spoke with Peter Dawkins, a graduate student in religious studies. “I didn’t even know we had a polo team,” he said.

The MSU Archery and Fencing Clubs have also received invitations from CRU to participate.

CRU’s motivations have been more difficult to discern. Jerome Wood, a freshman member, claimed that the group was “tired of waging spiritual warfare against the powers of darkness that reside on campus” and wanted to wage a “literal crusade.” Read More…