Campus Crusade Partners with MSU Polo Team, Plans to Stage Actual Crusade
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 31, 2011
Note: This satirical news article originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
In a move that has many members of the Bozeman community scratching their heads, MSU’s chapter of Campus Crusade for Christ has partnered with the polo team and announced plans to stage an actual crusade.
The polo team’s motivations were unclear, but sources point to a particularly painful loss at the hands of the Grizzlies last week. Many others believe the team is simply trying to raise student awareness of the fact that MSU has a polo club.
This sentiment was confirmed when the Exponent spoke with Peter Dawkins, a graduate student in religious studies. “I didn’t even know we had a polo team,” he said.
The MSU Archery and Fencing Clubs have also received invitations from CRU to participate.
CRU’s motivations have been more difficult to discern. Jerome Wood, a freshman member, claimed that the group was “tired of waging spiritual warfare against the powers of darkness that reside on campus” and wanted to wage a “literal crusade.”
Fed up with the underage binge drinking, premarital sex and low church attendance for which college students are notorious, the logical progression, according to Wood, was crusading against these ideas.
Although primarily composed of evangelical Protestants, the group asked Bozeman’s Catholic parish to sanction the action before their declaration. “We just wanted to be consistent with previous religiously-sanctioned military campaigns,” one CRU member said on condition of anonymity.
The parish declined, with Pastor Richard Clark explaining that “we still get a lot of shit for that word.”
MSU’s Muslim Student Association declined to comment on the developments, citing the fact that the word “crusade” carries almost a millennium of hostile implications against Muslims. Ironically, the group’s president referred the Exponent to Matthew 5:9, mentioning that “for what it’s worth, there’s some decent stuff in there.”
Perhaps the most confusing aspect of CRU’s announcement is the lack of any tangible opponent. No physical developments have been reported apart from a 36-hour “Assassin’s Creed” binge.
It is also unclear what weapon the modern-day Crusaders will employ. While the more conservative members have urged maintaining tradition by using battle axes, broadswords, bows and basic siege machines, others hope to use automatic rifles, rocket-propelled grenades
Senior member Paul Urban is pushing for the group to use modern weapons, believing they might give members an advantage. In addition to the superior firepower, he explained that most CRU members already have significant experience with modern-day weaponry, noting the popularity of the “Call of Duty” and “Halo” video games.
“In the end, we’re fighting this war for God, so we might as well whoop their asses,” he explained.
When asked why CRU had decided to include the polo team, Urban sheepishly confessed, “That wasn’t my idea. The really conservative guys want us to go about this like they did back in the 11th century – with horses and all that. And, well … none of us can ride a horse.”
Urban went on to explain that he didn’t believe horses were necessary and expressed excitement at the possibility of learning to operate a tank. “I think it’d be a great bonding experience for everybody,” he said.
When asked why they had decided to conduct a crusade or against whom they intend to crusade, Urban finished, “It doesn’t matter who you fight, as long as you do it for Jesus.”