Montana GOP Launches Actual ‘War on Women’

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 7, 2013

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

An extremist faction within the Montana GOP has formally declared an actual “War on Women.” Led by Rep. Krayton Kerns, R-Laurel, the paramilitary group launched a failed coup d’état against MSU President Waded Cruzado this Monday, March 4, underscoring the tension that has torn Montana families apart and pitted brother against sister.

Cruzado successfully staved off the coup from her perch in Montana Hall, where she runs the university with a panel of buttons and levers. The all-male group of legislators was repelled by Cruzado’s secret all-woman police force, headed by outgoing ASMSU President Kiah Abbey.

According to reports, the secret police — comprised of VOICE Center volunteers and performers from last week’s Vagina Monologues — repelled the attackers by launching copies of “The Feminine Mystique” and flaming bras from a trebuchet mounted on Montana Hall’s central turret.

“It was like a battalion of Amazon warriors,” a terrified Kerns said.

After regrouping in the impenetrable fastness of the engineering complex, long known as a bastion of masculine conservatism, Kerns issued a statement explaining his rationale for launching the so-far disastrous war.

“With so many women attending college, working outside the house, and choosing when they would and would not like to be pregnant, there was no other option,” Kerns wrote. “We’re fighting for our lives in the War of Female Aggression.”

Missoula Rep. Champ Edmunds, known for his distaste of the over 14,000 students that routinely cramp his style by choosing to attend school in the college town he lives in, gave a different version.

“We just need to return to the values of the greatest generation,” Edmunds yelled from the fourth floor of Roberts Hall. “I yearn for the dusty patriarchy that made rustic Montana farms the industrial powerhouses our state enjoys today,” he said, referring to the imaginary past for which all conservatives are constitutionally mandated to yearn.

Shortly after he finished speaking, Cruzado’s secret police breached the engineering complex and were engaged in close-quarters combat, attempting to retake the building floor-by-floor.

As of press time, Republican leadership, fearing imminent capture, had fled campus and retreated behind the Black Gate of Mordor to seek council with their leader, the Dark Lord Sauron.