SUB Pub to Move Forward, but Serving Only Keystone

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012

Note: This satirical news article originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.

None of this will be served at the new SUB Pub. Only Keystone. Photo by Brent Zundel

In a recent decision, SUB Director Dutch Hamburger has begun moving forward with plans to install a pub in the basement of the Student Union Building. The only caveat, he said, is that the new campus gathering place will serve exclusively Keystone beer.

“The Coors Brewing Company made us an offer we couldn’t refuse,” Hamburger said. A representative from the Bozeman Brewing Company responded to the Exponent’s request for comment. “We could sell cheap beer too, if we made it out of cat piss instead of barley,” he said, upset at not winning the contract to supply booze to MSU’s 13,500 students.

Dean of Students Matt Shares was initially hesitant about the idea. “At first, I thought that a SUB Pub would be a great way to support local breweries,” he said, listing off Bozone, 406 and Madison River. “But, more importantly, I think teaching college kids to drink responsibly is critical.”

“What could go wrong?” —Dean of Students Matt Shares

After Hamburger and Shares split a 30-rack of Keystone, provided free by Coors, Shares exuberantly reconsidered his position. “After the sixth or seventh beer, you can hardly taste the formaldehyde. This is great!”

The Pabst Brewing Company also submitted a bid to be MSU’s exclusive supplier. Hamburger explained that MSU decided to go with Keystone because PBR is “so hipster, so Missoula — and nothing cultivates Bobcat pride quite like arbitrarily drinking the same shitty, watered-down beer just to spite UM.”

An exclusively Keystone SUB Pub will provide more opportunities for community building and student research than a simple brewpub would, the new proposal contends.

At a recent house party at the notorious green house on 12th and Story, the Exponent gauged student reaction to the new proposal. MSU senior Chris Hergett vigorously agreed with the community building half of the proposal. “After all, I make way more friends when I drink eight Keystones at a house party than when I have two pints at the Bozone,” said Hergett, before slinking back to his dark, unoccupied corner of the house.

A wet lab will also be set up for engineering students to conduct hydraulic experiments. MSU senior Chris Zimny exclaimed, “A beer bong is a great opportunity to apply the Bernoulli equation to everyday life!” before earning an impressive moustache by passing out with his shoes still on.

At the same party, junior Freddy Moony thought of an additional community building opportunity that the SUB Pub could provide. “Why don’t we put a strip club in the SUB Pub!” he yelled over the sound of Katy Perry’s “Firework.”

Underage sophomore Kristi Blastoviski screamed something unintelligible before jamming a lamp shade onto her head and twirling in circles across the living room, eventually slamming into one of the many free couches that the house owners picked up off a street corner.

Back at his SUB office, Dean Shares said, “I think students are responsible enough to handle this new vision for a SUB Pub. What could go wrong?”

MSU administrators and students alike agree that a Keystone-only SUB Pub would be a great addition to campus. “That survivalist idiot on TV — Bear Grylls — is always drinking his own piss. He seems just fine, so I don’t think there’ll be any problems serving Keystone,” concluded Hergett.

Taps start flowing at the start of fall semester 2012.