Student Fee Increase to Fund Football Team Massages

By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
November 15, 2013

Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.

Last month, MSU’s student senate approved a new activity fee that will fund massages for the entire football team — even the kicker. The Board of Regents approved the increase last week, and the football team made a hiring decision early this week. The fee goes into effect next semester, adding an additional $18.60 each year for every student.

Head coach Rob Ash, recently crowned the winningest coach in MSU history, claimed that the massages were necessary in order to continue the team’s strong performance this season and relieve stress as they play the Grizzlies next week. Ash lamented the increasing cost of education nationwide, but said, “We all know having a good football team is more important to prospective students than knowing your school has some fancy Carnegie outreach designation. Go Cats!”

Third-string quarterback Louie “The Sleeper” Smith explained that the players themselves turned the hiring decision around quickly, deciding on a staff masseuse this Tuesday. The newly hired masseuse “just happens to be a gorgeous 21-year-old woman,” Smith explained. Sources close to the team indicate that she was hired over four coincidentally less attractive women and five male applicants. Smith explained that her qualifications as a masseuse and ability to jive well with the team were the primary reasons she was chosen — not her admittedly strong hands, smooth skin or sultry gaze.