Financial Aid Office Helps First Student in 39 Years
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
June 8, 2012
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
In a stunning turn of events last month, the MSU Office of Financial Aid successfully helped a student for the first time in 39 years. According to a Financial Aid informant who spoke on condition of anonymity, the assisted incoming freshman, Brian Naeve, is likely ruined for the rest of his college career.
“He’ll expect perfectly reasonable things from Financial Aid now. For instance, he’ll likely assume our office will correctly account for all of his scholarships, treat him politely during the majority of our interactions and just generally attempt not to make his life a living hell,” the insider explained.
“Unfortunately, none of that will ever happen again.” Read More…
Montana Challenges Citizens United
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
June 8, 2012
It’s an exciting time to be a Montanan. Across the country, experts and average citizens alike claim that Montana poses the biggest challenge to the controversial Citizens United Supreme Court decision, a 2010 case widely credited with redefining the conception of corporate personhood and equating money with speech.
In 2011, the Montana Supreme Court heard Western Tradition Partnership, Inc. v. Attorney General of Montana. Western Tradition Partnership, now known as American Tradition Partnership (ATP), is a rabidly anti-environmental conservative think tank based in Washington, D.C.
The group, which has broken numerous state campaign finance laws, challenged Montana’s 1912 Corrupt Practices Act, a law enacted by popular vote that prohibits corporations from making direct contributions to political campaigns.
“The greatest living issue that confronts us today is whether the corporations shall control the people, or the people shall control the corporations.” —1906 Montana newspaper
The Montana Supreme Court ruled 5 – 2 against ATP, upholding a century of reasonable restrictions that ensure the integrity of our state’s elections. Read More…
‘Casual Friday’ at Exponent Office Goes Awry
A recent casual Friday at the MSU Exponent spiraled out of control, with staff members ending up completely naked. Photo by Matt Williams, editing by Eric Dietrich
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
April 26, 2012
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
Last Friday, the Exponent nearly gave Dean of Students Matt Shares a heart attack. “I walked up to the office just to say hi and couldn’t believe my eyes when the entire staff was naked. Just standing around the office in their birthday suits like there was nothing weird about it!” he exclaimed.
“The paper instituted a Casual Friday program about two months ago,” explained a red-faced and recently clothed Eric Dietrich, the Exponent’s Editor-in-chief. In exchange for pinky promises that they’d never miss another deadline “ever again,” the staff was allowed to exchange their normally professional outfits of suit jackets and skirts for T-shirts and jeans. Read More…
Latin American and Latino Studies: Modern Languages Proposes One-of-a-kind Interdisciplinary Program
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
April 26, 2012
A globally focused interdisciplinary major
A new proposal from the Department of Modern Languages & Literatures could help MSU students understand the cultural context behind phrases like “Qué tal,” in addition to the literal meaning of the words. Modern Languages is proposing to expand its current Latin American and Latino Studies (LALS) minor into a full major.
With roughly 100 students who have declared or intend to declare a LALS minor, this new option responds to the needs of students and the MSU campus as a whole. Read More…
Montana Beer Fest Comes to Bozeman
Members of the Red Lodge Brewing Company, dressed in kilts for the occasion, show off their wares. Photo by Brent Zundel
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
April 19, 2012
Nothing brings together a community like good beer and a good cause. With 38 breweries serving 110 beers and $1,000 donated to charity, last Friday’s Montana Beer Fest had plenty of both ingredients.
The sixth annual event brought primarily Montana breweries to the Gallatin County Fairgrounds, but also included larger craft breweries from across the Pacific Northwest, like Oregon’s Deschutes Brewery and California’s Sierra Nevada. Read More…
SUB Pub to Move Forward, but Serving Only Keystone
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news article originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
None of this will be served at the new SUB Pub. Only Keystone. Photo by Brent Zundel
In a recent decision, SUB Director Dutch Hamburger has begun moving forward with plans to install a pub in the basement of the Student Union Building. The only caveat, he said, is that the new campus gathering place will serve exclusively Keystone beer.
“The Coors Brewing Company made us an offer we couldn’t refuse,” Hamburger said. A representative from the Bozeman Brewing Company responded to the Exponent’s request for comment. “We could sell cheap beer too, if we made it out of cat piss instead of barley,” he said, upset at not winning the contract to supply booze to MSU’s 13,500 students.
Dean of Students Matt Shares was initially hesitant about the idea. “At first, I thought that a SUB Pub would be a great way to support local breweries,” he said, listing off Bozone, 406 and Madison River. “But, more importantly, I think teaching college kids to drink responsibly is critical.”
“What could go wrong?” —Dean of Students Matt Shares Read More…
MSU Dean Positions Open to Anyone Named ‘Dean’
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
MSU Provost Marta Potsky has announced that MSU’s four vacant dean positions are being opened to “literally anyone with the last name Dean.” She continued, “We’re willing to consider applicants with a first name of Dean, too. Seriously, we’re that desperate.”
After notable dental floss tycoon Jacob Punches of Denver made a $25 million donation to MSU’s College of Business last fall, the College was finally able to fill its dean position, which has been vacant since last year.
The College of Business successfully hired the aptly named Dean Dean, an interim dean at Idaho State University. Dean has so far maintained an aloof relationship with students, asking to be referred to by his full title and name: “Dean Dean Dean.”
Paulina Klutz, the former Dean of the College of Letters & Science, announced her retirement, which will take effect this summer. In a statement to the Exponent, she explained that she gave up on the letters half of the college when she discovered the English and History Departments “blowing their pen and paper budgets by trying to boost faculty pay to minimum wage.”
The three other open positions include the Deans of Arts & Architecture; Education, Health and Human Development; and the Library.
Lame-Ass of the Week: Frederick von Spark
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical student profile originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
Name: Frederick von Spark
Hometown: Miles City, Mont.
Major: Mechanical engineering with a minor in mathematics
Occupation: Engineering student
Hobbies: Vector calculus, binary code, stamp collecting, Minecraft
Why did you move to Montana? I was born here.
What is a day you’ll never forget? I won a 17-hour game of Risk about a month ago.
If you could do anything for a day, what would it be? I would invent a new drug that would make it so I don’t have to sleep and could then work for 24 hours straight.
***
Frederick von Spark is a mechanical engineering major with a minor in mathematics who is currently on track to graduate this spring, after only four years. A quiet, awkward 22-year-old male, Spark explained that he managed to graduate in only four years by taking an average of 23 credits a semester and shunning “superfluous” campus involvement like “socializing, talking to girls and getting eight hours of sleep a night.” Read More…
Cruzado to Boost Spirit with ‘The Bobcat Games’
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
In response to the lackadaisical approach taken by many student government senators, MSU President Waded Cruzado has proclaimed that future senators must partake in an annual battle to the death, termed The Bobcat Games.
For years, MSU students have complained about their lack of representation in the senate, culminating with the recent voter turnout of a meager 7.3 percent. “I’m sick of those senators caring only about their résumés,” said junior Catnip Everclear. “I want some damn representation!”
According to Cruzado’s decree, two Tributes — one male and one female — will be randomly selected from each of MSU’s nine colleges in a process known as the Reaping. After being chosen, the 18 tributes will be transported to the newly renovated Bobcat Stadium, where they will fight to the death until only one senator survives, as thousands of fans watch and scream rabidly. Read More…
Campus Entertainment to Bring Nickelback to MSU
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
In a bold move last Tuesday, MSU’s Campus Entertainment announced plans to bring Canadian rock band Nickelback to the Brick Breeden Fieldhouse. “Last fall’s 3OH!3 and Plain White T’s concert was such an unequivocal success that we’ve decided to go even bigger this spring,” explained Campus Entertainment Director Johann Rodgers.
“Everybody loves Nickelback.” —Campus Entertainment Director Johann Rodgers
“We’ll get it right this time,” Rodgers promised.
“The 3OH!3 concert cost only $90,000 in student fees and had over 2,000 attendees,” said student senator Eliot Curvey. He explained that country music doesn’t sell well in Montana, but “skinny white-boy rap and rock music” does. Read More…
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Mountain Solitaire Author Brent Zundel
MOUNTAIN SOLITAIRE 