SUB Pub to Move Forward, but Serving Only Keystone
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news article originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
None of this will be served at the new SUB Pub. Only Keystone. Photo by Brent Zundel
In a recent decision, SUB Director Dutch Hamburger has begun moving forward with plans to install a pub in the basement of the Student Union Building. The only caveat, he said, is that the new campus gathering place will serve exclusively Keystone beer.
“The Coors Brewing Company made us an offer we couldn’t refuse,” Hamburger said. A representative from the Bozeman Brewing Company responded to the Exponent’s request for comment. “We could sell cheap beer too, if we made it out of cat piss instead of barley,” he said, upset at not winning the contract to supply booze to MSU’s 13,500 students.
Dean of Students Matt Shares was initially hesitant about the idea. “At first, I thought that a SUB Pub would be a great way to support local breweries,” he said, listing off Bozone, 406 and Madison River. “But, more importantly, I think teaching college kids to drink responsibly is critical.”
“What could go wrong?” —Dean of Students Matt Shares Read More…
MSU Dean Positions Open to Anyone Named ‘Dean’
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
MSU Provost Marta Potsky has announced that MSU’s four vacant dean positions are being opened to “literally anyone with the last name Dean.” She continued, “We’re willing to consider applicants with a first name of Dean, too. Seriously, we’re that desperate.”
After notable dental floss tycoon Jacob Punches of Denver made a $25 million donation to MSU’s College of Business last fall, the College was finally able to fill its dean position, which has been vacant since last year.
The College of Business successfully hired the aptly named Dean Dean, an interim dean at Idaho State University. Dean has so far maintained an aloof relationship with students, asking to be referred to by his full title and name: “Dean Dean Dean.”
Paulina Klutz, the former Dean of the College of Letters & Science, announced her retirement, which will take effect this summer. In a statement to the Exponent, she explained that she gave up on the letters half of the college when she discovered the English and History Departments “blowing their pen and paper budgets by trying to boost faculty pay to minimum wage.”
The three other open positions include the Deans of Arts & Architecture; Education, Health and Human Development; and the Library.
Lame-Ass of the Week: Frederick von Spark
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical student profile originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
Name: Frederick von Spark
Hometown: Miles City, Mont.
Major: Mechanical engineering with a minor in mathematics
Occupation: Engineering student
Hobbies: Vector calculus, binary code, stamp collecting, Minecraft
Why did you move to Montana? I was born here.
What is a day you’ll never forget? I won a 17-hour game of Risk about a month ago.
If you could do anything for a day, what would it be? I would invent a new drug that would make it so I don’t have to sleep and could then work for 24 hours straight.
***
Frederick von Spark is a mechanical engineering major with a minor in mathematics who is currently on track to graduate this spring, after only four years. A quiet, awkward 22-year-old male, Spark explained that he managed to graduate in only four years by taking an average of 23 credits a semester and shunning “superfluous” campus involvement like “socializing, talking to girls and getting eight hours of sleep a night.” Read More…
Cruzado to Boost Spirit with ‘The Bobcat Games’
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
In response to the lackadaisical approach taken by many student government senators, MSU President Waded Cruzado has proclaimed that future senators must partake in an annual battle to the death, termed The Bobcat Games.
For years, MSU students have complained about their lack of representation in the senate, culminating with the recent voter turnout of a meager 7.3 percent. “I’m sick of those senators caring only about their résumés,” said junior Catnip Everclear. “I want some damn representation!”
According to Cruzado’s decree, two Tributes — one male and one female — will be randomly selected from each of MSU’s nine colleges in a process known as the Reaping. After being chosen, the 18 tributes will be transported to the newly renovated Bobcat Stadium, where they will fight to the death until only one senator survives, as thousands of fans watch and scream rabidly. Read More…
Campus Entertainment to Bring Nickelback to MSU
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
In a bold move last Tuesday, MSU’s Campus Entertainment announced plans to bring Canadian rock band Nickelback to the Brick Breeden Fieldhouse. “Last fall’s 3OH!3 and Plain White T’s concert was such an unequivocal success that we’ve decided to go even bigger this spring,” explained Campus Entertainment Director Johann Rodgers.
“Everybody loves Nickelback.” —Campus Entertainment Director Johann Rodgers
“We’ll get it right this time,” Rodgers promised.
“The 3OH!3 concert cost only $90,000 in student fees and had over 2,000 attendees,” said student senator Eliot Curvey. He explained that country music doesn’t sell well in Montana, but “skinny white-boy rap and rock music” does. Read More…
MSU to Launch ‘Conservative Arts’ Program
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 1, 2012
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
In response to the wide diversity of potentially conflicting opinions presented in liberal arts institutes across the country, MSU announced plans this Monday to launch a “Conservative Arts” program. MSU professor and newly appointed program director Johan Oldmeier promised this new initiative will “make America great again,” presumably referring to the Golden Age of conservatism in a distant, romanticized past, when the Cuyahoga River caught fire due to a lack of pollutant regulation and people still died of things like polio.
“While liberal arts programs encourage introspective self-searching — like smoking weed,” Oldmeier explained, “this conservative arts program will focus on strict discipline and controlled learning environments, using the judicious application of medication and military force to obtain both.”
“Yes, that means Ritalin and corporal punishment,” he clarified. Read More…
Honors Program to Launch “Star Child Sequestration Program”
The Star Child Sequestration Program. Illustration by Brent Zundel
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
February 16, 2012
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
In what many professors are calling a “brave and necessary” move, MSU’s University Honors Program has launched the “Star Child Sequestration Program.” The new initiative, comprised of three phases, will allow administrators to sequester gifted “Star Children” after identifying their unique abilities, said Honors Director Mary Leah.
The first phase is “Identification,” in which honors students self-identify using a number of criteria. These include an inflated sense of self-worth, the ability to relate literally every abstract concept to Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” and thinking it’s appropriate to discuss the philosophical implications of Harry Potter, Star Wars or Lord of the Rings at 11 on Friday nights. Severe difficulties interacting with any member of campus who is unaffiliated with the Honors Program count as additional discretionary points. Read More…
Montana Hall Overthrown in ‘January Revolution’
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
February 2, 2012
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
After completing ECNS 101: The Economic Way of Thinking, a group of young, impressionable — and rabidly free-market — students from MSU have taken over Montana Hall, where the university is run by a panel of buttons and levers.
In response to the recent protracted recession, they are demanding that the university implement an austerity plan. Their proposal includes firing public sector employees—including all professors who don’t directly create jobs for their students—deregulating tuition and just generally getting the state and the university “out of the average student’s life.”
These laissez faire capitalists have held the university hostage since last Tuesday. Read More…
MSU Senior up in Arms over ‘Immature’ Freshman Class
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
January 19, 2012
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
MSU senior Brent Zundel is up in arms over the dumbest freshman class ever. Photo by Chris Zimny
MSU senior Brent Zundel is up in arms over what he calls an “exceptionally immature” freshman class this semester. “It’s especially annoying, because they’ve already had a whole semester to get their shit together,” he bemoaned.
According to the few friends Zundel’s constant belly-aching has not alienated, at least three “effing Justin Bieber-lookalikes” [freshmen] have asked him for directions to obvious places like the SUB or Wilson Hall’s well-laid-out classrooms in the past week.
“I don’t even know why anyone would approach him,” said long-time roommate Chris Zimny. “He just looks angry as he scowls his way from class to class. I swear one night, I heard him crack open a beer and unzip his pants outside my bedroom door.” Read More…
Montana According to Montanans
Illustration by Brent Zundel.
I originally completed this illustration for the MSU Exponent’s impromptu “Hastily Illustrated Edition,” published during fall 2011 dead week.
Author
Mountain Solitaire Author Brent Zundel
MOUNTAIN SOLITAIRE 