Lame-Ass of the Week: Frederick von Spark
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical student profile originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
Name: Frederick von Spark
Hometown: Miles City, Mont.
Major: Mechanical engineering with a minor in mathematics
Occupation: Engineering student
Hobbies: Vector calculus, binary code, stamp collecting, Minecraft
Why did you move to Montana? I was born here.
What is a day you’ll never forget? I won a 17-hour game of Risk about a month ago.
If you could do anything for a day, what would it be? I would invent a new drug that would make it so I don’t have to sleep and could then work for 24 hours straight.
***
Frederick von Spark is a mechanical engineering major with a minor in mathematics who is currently on track to graduate this spring, after only four years. A quiet, awkward 22-year-old male, Spark explained that he managed to graduate in only four years by taking an average of 23 credits a semester and shunning “superfluous” campus involvement like “socializing, talking to girls and getting eight hours of sleep a night.” Read More…
Cruzado to Boost Spirit with ‘The Bobcat Games’
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
In response to the lackadaisical approach taken by many student government senators, MSU President Waded Cruzado has proclaimed that future senators must partake in an annual battle to the death, termed The Bobcat Games.
For years, MSU students have complained about their lack of representation in the senate, culminating with the recent voter turnout of a meager 7.3 percent. “I’m sick of those senators caring only about their résumés,” said junior Catnip Everclear. “I want some damn representation!”
According to Cruzado’s decree, two Tributes — one male and one female — will be randomly selected from each of MSU’s nine colleges in a process known as the Reaping. After being chosen, the 18 tributes will be transported to the newly renovated Bobcat Stadium, where they will fight to the death until only one senator survives, as thousands of fans watch and scream rabidly. Read More…
Campus Entertainment to Bring Nickelback to MSU
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 29, 2012
Note: This satirical news brief originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.
In a bold move last Tuesday, MSU’s Campus Entertainment announced plans to bring Canadian rock band Nickelback to the Brick Breeden Fieldhouse. “Last fall’s 3OH!3 and Plain White T’s concert was such an unequivocal success that we’ve decided to go even bigger this spring,” explained Campus Entertainment Director Johann Rodgers.
“Everybody loves Nickelback.” —Campus Entertainment Director Johann Rodgers
“We’ll get it right this time,” Rodgers promised.
“The 3OH!3 concert cost only $90,000 in student fees and had over 2,000 attendees,” said student senator Eliot Curvey. He explained that country music doesn’t sell well in Montana, but “skinny white-boy rap and rock music” does. Read More…
STEM Majors Need Increased Flexibility for International Success
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 22, 2012
It’s a rare engineering or science student who has never suddenly wondered, perhaps as he or she frantically crams for an exam in the suffocating late-night hours, “When will I ever use this?”
Many students slogging through the death march of calculus and basic science courses fail to see how their degrees will actually help others, and some switch majors or drop out altogether.
The week before spring break, three other students and I gave a presentation to the Engineering Advisory Council on international opportunities available to engineering students at MSU. While waiting to speak, employees from companies as diverse as Boeing and American Express discussed how important international experiences and cultural sensitivities are. Read More…
MSU to Launch ‘Conservative Arts’ Program
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 1, 2012
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
In response to the wide diversity of potentially conflicting opinions presented in liberal arts institutes across the country, MSU announced plans this Monday to launch a “Conservative Arts” program. MSU professor and newly appointed program director Johan Oldmeier promised this new initiative will “make America great again,” presumably referring to the Golden Age of conservatism in a distant, romanticized past, when the Cuyahoga River caught fire due to a lack of pollutant regulation and people still died of things like polio.
“While liberal arts programs encourage introspective self-searching — like smoking weed,” Oldmeier explained, “this conservative arts program will focus on strict discipline and controlled learning environments, using the judicious application of medication and military force to obtain both.”
“Yes, that means Ritalin and corporal punishment,” he clarified. Read More…
Honors Program to Launch “Star Child Sequestration Program”
The Star Child Sequestration Program. Illustration by Brent Zundel
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
February 16, 2012
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
In what many professors are calling a “brave and necessary” move, MSU’s University Honors Program has launched the “Star Child Sequestration Program.” The new initiative, comprised of three phases, will allow administrators to sequester gifted “Star Children” after identifying their unique abilities, said Honors Director Mary Leah.
The first phase is “Identification,” in which honors students self-identify using a number of criteria. These include an inflated sense of self-worth, the ability to relate literally every abstract concept to Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” and thinking it’s appropriate to discuss the philosophical implications of Harry Potter, Star Wars or Lord of the Rings at 11 on Friday nights. Severe difficulties interacting with any member of campus who is unaffiliated with the Honors Program count as additional discretionary points. Read More…
SUB Pub Should Move Forward: Let’s Build Community Over Montana Brews
MSU students Bronwyn Rolph and Chris Zimny enjoy locally brewed beers at the Bozeman Brewing Company taproom, while bartender Mitzi Kuall pours a pint. Photo by Brent Zundel
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
February 9, 2012
The SUB Pub
Pint-based community-building could become a reality on MSU’s campus. Although the idea is in its infancy, a number of dedicated students have begun pushing to install a SUB Pub in the student union building.
While the concept has been discussed in the past, last fall’s student needs survey produced the “SUB Pub” proposal as one of students’ chief concerns, prompting student government to form an unofficial exploratory committee.
This column proposes an effective model for a tavern based on the success of local microbrewery tasting rooms, like the Bozone’s. As I conceptualize it, the SUB Pub would parallel the brewpubs that dot Montana. It would serve, in short, as a focal point of the SUB, a place where students and staff could meet for almost any reason. Read More…
Montana Hall Overthrown in ‘January Revolution’
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
February 2, 2012
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
After completing ECNS 101: The Economic Way of Thinking, a group of young, impressionable — and rabidly free-market — students from MSU have taken over Montana Hall, where the university is run by a panel of buttons and levers.
In response to the recent protracted recession, they are demanding that the university implement an austerity plan. Their proposal includes firing public sector employees—including all professors who don’t directly create jobs for their students—deregulating tuition and just generally getting the state and the university “out of the average student’s life.”
These laissez faire capitalists have held the university hostage since last Tuesday. Read More…
MSU Senior up in Arms over ‘Immature’ Freshman Class
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
January 19, 2012
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
MSU senior Brent Zundel is up in arms over the dumbest freshman class ever. Photo by Chris Zimny
MSU senior Brent Zundel is up in arms over what he calls an “exceptionally immature” freshman class this semester. “It’s especially annoying, because they’ve already had a whole semester to get their shit together,” he bemoaned.
According to the few friends Zundel’s constant belly-aching has not alienated, at least three “effing Justin Bieber-lookalikes” [freshmen] have asked him for directions to obvious places like the SUB or Wilson Hall’s well-laid-out classrooms in the past week.
“I don’t even know why anyone would approach him,” said long-time roommate Chris Zimny. “He just looks angry as he scowls his way from class to class. I swear one night, I heard him crack open a beer and unzip his pants outside my bedroom door.” Read More…
Local Band of Professors Releases Original Album
Textbook Blues performs at the release party for their latest CD, “Got Your Number,” on Nov. 10, 2011. Photo by Brent Zundel
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
November 17, 2011
With final exams fast approaching, the name “Textbook Blues” likely conjures up many different images in students’ heads, but four Bozeman residents recently gave attendees at the Filling Station a different image. “Textbook Blues” is a local band composed of four members, all of whom have some connection to teaching, thus providing a fitting name.
John Priscu, a professor in the Land Resources and Environmental Sciences (LRES) Department, shreds a mean lead guitar when not conducting nationally renowned research in Antarctica. Edis Kittrell, an English professor who also teaches in the Honors College, provides a soulful lead voice.
Warren Jones, an environmental engineering professor and former Faculty Senate Chair, keeps rhythm for the band by playing a skillful bass. To round out the quartet, Greg Vallor holds a crisp beat on the drums. Although he holds a teaching credential, presumably he no longer teaches because he can “do.” Read More…
Author
Mountain Solitaire Author Brent Zundel
MOUNTAIN SOLITAIRE 