Montana GOP Outlines Strategy during Weeklong Retreat in Mordor
By Brent Zundel and Pat Hessman
For the MSU Exponent
April 11, 2013
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
Members of the Montana GOP outline their strategy during a recent weeklong retreat in Mordor. Illustration by Pat Hessman, MSU Exponent
The Dark Lord Sauron’s index finger was conspicuously bare as he stabbed at a Billings Gazette article about Gov. Steve Bullock’s plan to fight dark money in Montana politics.
“What do we need to do to better spread our cold grip across the state?” he bellowed as the savage roar of Republican legislators rose all around him. His thunderous words were well-received, with those in attendance firing assault rifles into the air, beating their foreheads with Bibles and knocking back shot after shot of Roughstock Montana Whiskey.
Speaking from behind the Black Gate, the Dark Lord led Republican legislators during their annual strategy retreat in Mordor. Throughout the weeklong event, Republicans from across the state looked at ways to move their party forward into the 19th century, from resisting any federal attempts to enforce gun control to fighting for lower taxes. Read More…
Montana GOP Launches Actual ‘War on Women’
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 7, 2013
Note: This column originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s Sugarbeet page, a satirical biweekly feature that attempts to stimulate discussion of critical community issues.
An extremist faction within the Montana GOP has formally declared an actual “War on Women.” Led by Rep. Krayton Kerns, R-Laurel, the paramilitary group launched a failed coup d’état against MSU President Waded Cruzado this Monday, March 4, underscoring the tension that has torn Montana families apart and pitted brother against sister.
Cruzado successfully staved off the coup from her perch in Montana Hall, where she runs the university with a panel of buttons and levers. The all-male group of legislators was repelled by Cruzado’s secret all-woman police force, headed by outgoing ASMSU President Kiah Abbey.
According to reports, the secret police — comprised of VOICE Center volunteers and performers from last week’s Vagina Monologues — repelled the attackers by launching copies of “The Feminine Mystique” and flaming bras from a trebuchet mounted on Montana Hall’s central turret. Read More…
Public access under fire from Montana GOP
Public lands in the National Forest along the upper reaches of Lower Deer Creek, Montana. Photo by Brent Zundel
By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 3, 2011
Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks employees might not be digging trenches in front of their offices around the state, but the agency is under fire from the Montana Legislature. Legislators are also attacking public access with over 150 bills that specifically target wildlife and public lands issues.
Some of the most ludicrous bills have been killed, but one of the most contentious still threatens Montanans. House Bill 309, sponsored by Rep. Jeff Welborn, R-Dillon, would gut the landmark 1985 Stream Access Law.
The result of conversations between landowners and recreationalists, the 1985 law allows public access in all rivers up to the high water mark, without regard to ownership of land below the river. In essence, it ensures that private citizens cannot own the rivers.
HB309 does not add any additional protection to private ditches – which are already protected under the old law. Instead, it would reclassify hundreds of miles of stream and river channels as irrigation ditches, thus inhibiting public access. Read More…
Author
Mountain Solitaire Author Brent Zundel
MOUNTAIN SOLITAIRE 