By Brent Zundel
For the MSU Exponent
March 28, 2013

Note: These satirical news briefs originally appeared as part of the Exponent’s annual April Fools’ Day edition, the Excrement.

Financial Aid employee friendly, too friendly

According to witnesses in the student union building, last week a Financial Aid employee was acting “friendly … too friendly.” One jaded sophomore spoke to the Exponent on condition of anonymity, citing fears that Financial Aid would insert “even more” errors into her fall 2013 statement if they learned her identity.

According to the source, she still has no idea what the hell was behind the crocodile smile of the employee who helped her. “It just gave me the heebie-jeebies,” she said.

She left crestfallen after learning that the employee could do nothing to help her unless she returned five separate forms, written in iambic pentameter and relayed to the office in both song and written form.

“And then that son of a bitch smiled at me and asked if there was anything else he could help me with,” the unidentified sophomore said. “Yeah, finally he told me to ‘have a good day,’ so I told him to fuck off.”

Hope in engineering students’ eyes just too much for professor to bear

After spending the week meeting individually with each member of his graduating civil engineering senior design class, Prof. Sven Kjell just couldn’t take it anymore. “The glimmer of hope in their eyes was just too much for me to bear,” Kjell said. Read More…